‘I excited to take control of my own body’: 25-year-old asexual actress celebrates getting STERILIZED after six-year struggle to find a doctor who would perform the surgery – having decided at age 16 she didn’t want kids
A 25-year-old asexual actress revealed that she has been sterilized after a six-year struggle that saw her begging dozens of doctors to perform the operation – who all turned her down because they thought she was ‘too young’ to make such a ‘permanent’ decision and told her to seek ‘therapy’ instead.
She then decided that she wanted to undergo surgery to ensure that she couldn’t conceive after struggling with the normal forms of contraception.
Abby, who had a very religious upbringing, said birth control made her ‘sick’ and that she had an ‘intense fear of foreign objects being inside of her,’ which ruled out IUDs.
She also said condoms weren’t 100 per cent effective, which left her terrified to have sex – so she decided she wanted to become sterile.
A 25-year-old asexual actress revealed that she has been sterilized after a six-year struggle that saw her begging dozens of doctors to perform the operation
Abby Ramsay, from Los Angeles, said many doctors turned her down because they thought she was ‘too young’ to make such a ‘permanent’ decision and told her to seek ‘therapy’ instead
After spending years trying to find a doctor to perform the surgery, the finally went under the knife on February 4 and it was successful. She opened up about it on TikTok and went viral
However, it took six years for her to find a doctor who would be willing to perform the surgery on someone so young, with many turning her away, refusing to do an ‘unnecessary procedure’ and recommending that she get ‘therapy’ instead.
Earlier this year, the model and actress – who identifies as asexual and queer – finally found a doctor who was willing to do the operation, and on February 4, she officially went under the knife.
Abby had a bilateral salpingectomy – which meant doctors removed her fallopian tubes – and an endometrial ablation – which saw them take out a layer of the lining of her uterus. The surgeries were both successful.
According to NHS, removing the fallopian tubes prevents the egg from reaching the sperm and becoming fertilized.
‘Eggs will still be released from the ovaries as normal, but they’ll be absorbed naturally into the woman’s body,’ it states.
There are different ways to block the fallopian tubes, including applying plastic or titanium ‘clamps,’ inserting the tube through a silicone ring, which is clamped shut, or tying, cutting, and removing a piece of the fallopian tube. Abby opted for the latter.
She opened up about her experience on TikTok earlier this year, and her story quickly went viral, with the original video gaining more than three million views since it was posted in February.
‘After about six years of trying… I finally found a doctor who listened! This goes out to all the ones who didn’t,’ she wrote in the clip, which showed her proudly holding up the forms regarding her surgery.
‘I’m excited to take control of my own body. I’m not a baby maker,’ she captioned it.
In another video, the 25-year-old opened up about her decision to become sterile, and she explained that she didn’t want to become a mom because she doesn’t want to be ‘responsible for the integration of another human being into society with the goal of them being a separate entity from herself.’
Abby said she realized at age 16 that she didn’t want to have kids due to the immense responsibility of raising another human being
She decided that she wanted to undergo surgery to ensure that she couldn’t conceive after struggling with the normal forms of contraception, like birth control which made her sick
‘That’s a lot of responsibility I don’t want,’ she explained.
‘A lot of the reasons people give as to why you should have a kid is because “babies are so cute and toddlers are so cute.”
‘Or they ask, “Don’t you want to experience pregnancy?” The thing is, those only last a very short amount of time compared to the lifespan of a human being who you will be responsible for for the rest of their life or your life, whichever ends first.’
She also said that being pregnant seemed like a ‘horrific’ experience.
‘Another thing people say is, “You’ll have a partner so you won’t be doing it alone. But what if I was doing it alone?’ she continued.
‘Separation, divorce, partner-loss all happen. I can barely take care of myself.
‘At the end of the day, having a kid, whether it be biologically, fostering, or adopting – it should always be about what’s best for the kid.
‘Even if I wanted a kid, which I clearly don’t, my life, my lifestyle and my potential parenting abilities would not be suitable for a child.
‘Just because I don’t like kids doesn’t mean I want them to suffer and me having a kid would be setting them up for failure and suffering so I’m not going to do it.’
She spoke out about it further during an interview with Daily Star, and she admitted that the idea of being pregnant was always ‘really scary for her.’
‘It was not something I saw in my future no matter how hard I tried to picture it.
‘While surgery may seem like a strange way to take care of this, I figured I could handle having it done once and then never having to worry about it again, than having to deal with intrusive procedures and methods regularly until menopause decided to come along.’
She also said condoms weren’t 100 per cent effective, which left her terrified to have sex – so she decided she wanted to become sterile. She is pictured with her partner, Kurt
It took six years for her to find a doctor who would be willing to perform the surgery on someone so young, with many refusing to do the ‘unnecessary procedure’
Abby explained on TikTok that used to suffer from ‘really bad, really painful’ periods, and that she also believes she has PCOS – a hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries with small cysts on the outer edges.
She also has a family history of ovarian cancer, with her grandmother dying of the disease years earlier.
‘The ablation will probably help with my painful periods, possibly getting rid of them and at least making them lighter,’ she said in a video posted before the procedure.
‘And the bisalp significantly decreases my chances of getting ovarian cancer and my possibly help with my PCOS pain.’
Abby, who is committed to her partner Kurt, decided to get the surgery after struggling for years to find ‘peace of mind’ regarding contraception.
‘Condoms and things aren’t really enough of a guarantee to make my comfortable,’ she said on TikTok.
‘So I got to the point where for my peace of mind, the only options would be completely 100 per cent abstinence, or sterilization.
‘And while I am asexual, my partner’s not, I’m a sex neutral asexual, and I love my partner and we figure things out.
The life-changing surgery that leaves you with a ‘zero per cent chance’ of getting pregnant: What is a salpingectomy and how is it performed?
A salpingectomy is a surgical procedure during which one or both of the fallopian tubes are removed.
The operation can be carried out for a number of different reasons, including as part of treatment or the prevention of ovarian cancer, and treating an ectopic pregnancy, tubal blockage, or infection.
In some cases, the procedure is also performed on women as a form of permanent birth control.
In these instances, both fallopian tubes are removed – thereby preventing a woman’s eggs from meeting sperm, even if she has unprotected sex.
The fallopian tubes carry a woman’s egg from the ovary to the uterus. If a woman has unprotected sex while she is ovulating, the fallopian tubes are typically where the fertilization takes place.
A salpingectomy is typically performed as a laparoscopic procedure, meaning that the recovery time is relatively short, however there are a number of possible side effects, including pain while urinating, infection, blood clots, uncontrolled bleeding, and reactions to the anesthesia.
Abby said she doesn’t want to be a mom because she doesn’t want to be ‘responsible for the integration of another human being into society with the goal of them being a separate entity from herself’
‘I don’t want to get too into my sex life on the internet, but it got to the point where sterilization would give me the best peace of mind. So that’s the route I went.’
Kurt has been nothing but supportive, with Abby gushing to Daily Star, ‘My partner has been fantastic, and is so on board with it.
‘He has been taking care of me throughout recovery. We talked about kids and life goals very early on in our relationship.
‘You always hear the “what if your partner wants kids?” or “what if you fall in love with someone who wants kids.”
‘But the thing is, I wouldn’t be with someone who didn’t share my vision for the future.’
As for why many doctors didn’t want to proceed with the surgery, she explained that they often said they didn’t want to do it on ‘somebody her age.’
‘Try again, when you’re like 30 or 35,’ she recalled them telling her in another TikTok video, adding, ‘They never gave a recommended age to do the procedure.
She also said that being pregnant seemed like a ‘horrific’ experience and that her ‘parenting abilities would not be suitable for a child’
‘The entire time, they just kind of made it sound like, “You’re going to change your mind so I’m not even going to tell you when this could be a possibility.”
‘But the implication of “come back when you’re older” was definitely there. More commonly, they would push me to go to therapy. Go figure. I already had a therapist, and my therapist actually supported me getting sterilized.
‘Some of them based it on my age and others just based it around the fact that they, like, didn’t kind of believe in the surgery, I guess. Like that was too permanent or something.’
She also spoke to Buzzfeed about it, explaining that one doctor said she ‘didn’t believe in performing “unnecessary surgery.”‘
‘The third doctor I ever saw basically insinuated that there was something wrong with me for not wanting children, and said I needed to go to therapy to get my brain fixed so I could have kids someday,’ she added.
Abby told them that there were times she would go home ‘crying’ or felt like ‘screaming.’
‘Other times I just felt numb and empty. It was frustrating,’ she recalled.
‘My pain and my desires and my goals and my life were all dismissed because of a baby that didn’t even exist. A hypothetical person had more control over my future than I did.’
Abby told them that there were times she would go home from the doctor ‘crying’ or felt like ‘screaming.’ ‘Other times I just felt numb and empty. It was frustrating,’ she recalled
Now, she is so thankful to have found a doctor who agreed to do it.
‘Just knowing that I did not want kids, that was enough for her,’ she said on TikTok, before addressing her doctor directly. ‘Thank you for finally listening to me after six years of doctors who didn’t, and who only saw me for my uterus.’
- Abby had a bilateral salpingectomy – which meant doctors removed her fallopian tubes – and an endometrial ablation – which saw them take out a layer of the lining of her uterus
- According to NHS, removing the fallopian tubes prevents the egg from reaching the sperm and becoming fertilized
- ‘Eggs will still be released from the ovaries as normal, but they’ll be absorbed naturally into the woman’s body,’ it states
- There are different ways to block the fallopian tubes, including applying plastic or titanium ‘clamps,’ inserting the tube through a silicone ring, which is clamped shut, or tying, cutting, and removing a piece of the fallopian tube. Abby opted for the latter
- Endometrial ablation is a procedure that surgically destroys the lining of your uterus. The goal of endometrial ablation is to reduce menstrual flow. In some women, menstrual flow may stop completely, MayoClinic reports
- No incisions are needed for endometrial ablation. Your doctor inserts slender tools through the passageway between your vagina and uterus
- The tools vary, depending on the method used to ablate the endometrium. Methods might include extreme cold, heated fluids, microwave energy or high-energy radiofrequencies
She told Buzzfeed that she went into her initial appointment with the doctor, whose name has not been shared, carrying pages of documents containing information about the procedure and her reasoning – but right away, the doctor wanted to help her.
‘She didn’t need [the documents],’ said Abby. ‘All she needed was to listen to me for five minutes before saying alright, and immediately telling me my options, and procedures she thought might be right for me.
‘I almost burst into tears of joy right then and there. I didn’t know how much I just needed someone to listen to me for once. To believe that maybe I knew myself better than they did.
‘I brought that up to her a little, and to the doctor who ended up doing my surgery – my initial doctor had to get her own surgery, and recommended me to her coworker – and both of them basically said, “You clearly know what you want and have thought about this for a long time.” It was like a breath of fresh air.’
Without insurance, Abby said her bill would have been around $116,000, but her total out-of-pocket cost totaled $1,000.
And according to Buzzfeed, most insurance companies do cover permanent birth control options.
She told the outlet: ‘[It’s] better to regret not having a kid than to have one and regret it. At the end of the day, if I regret it, I am the only one suffering for it.
I think a lot of people ignore the fact that sometimes people regret becoming parents [too].
‘It’s not uncommon, even if it is taboo to talk about. I honestly think we should talk about parental regret more instead of pretending that parenthood is perfect and magical.
‘Societal pressure to procreate hurts everyone, and maybe more parents could get help if we talked about it more.’
She concluded: ‘While I have many reasons for not wanting to get pregnant and wanting to be child-free – from genetics to fears and medical concerns – at the end of the day, “I don’t want to have kids” is reason enough and should be respected.