Woman grieving the death of her daughter, 20, says she ‘never wants to speak to her husband again’ after he told workmates in the pub that they only have three sons – but some claim SHE is being ‘unfair’
A mother has revealed she never wants to see her husband again after he told her to ‘get over’ the death of their 20-year-old daughter.
Taking to the British parenting forum Mumsnet, the mother-of-four revealed she had three sons and a daughter who passed away at the age of 20 in 2019.
She was left devastated when her husband told work colleagues they had three sons, and laughed about having no girls in the family.
She explained: ‘He keeps messaging me telling me how much he loves me and that I need to get over my, OUR, daughter’s death.’
Commenters were torn over whether the mother was being unreasonable by not allowing the father to have an evening without thinking about his grief or whether he should have included his daughter.
A woman took to the forum Mumsnet to ask if she was being unreasonable after she stopped speaking to her husband
The mother, who revealed she hadn’t spoken to her husband in two days, said: ‘He thinks I am being unfair, and making a big deal out of nothing. I keep thinking about it, and do not feel like I am being unfair at all.’
‘Friday night, we went to the pub with his two new colleagues and their partners.
‘We were just chatting, when one of the ladies asked him, “So how many kids do you have?”
‘He replied by saying that he had three sons. The woman proceeded to say “So all boys no girls?”. He laughed and said “yup”.
She explained the the post that she had felt angry and upset when he pretended he only had three children
The mother added: ‘At that point I wanted to cry and punch the table so badly.
‘We have a daughter. My 20-year-old daughter passed away in 2019. I am so angry and upset that he said that.’
She continued: ‘I confronted him at home, and he saw nothing wrong with it: “Well she’s dead, we don’t have four children anymore”. ‘
‘I grabbed my purse and went to my sister’s house. Haven’t talked to him since…I never want to see him again.’
Some commenters tried to help the mother come to an understanding about why her husband may have used those words.
One person wrote: ‘Some people deal with things in different ways. I’m sure your husband feels the loss just as much as you do, but sometimes we protect ourselves from pain and maybe this is his way of doing that.’
Another person agreed: ‘You aren’t being unreasonable to be upset. ‘I wonder if it’s a way of him not having to talk about it? I’m not saying he is right or wrong but I can see why he might in that situation.’
Some commenters felt that both sides had a point and that the real issue they needed to work on was communication
Others however thought there was never an excuse to leave ones deceased child out of the conversation.
One sympathetic woman said: ‘He didn’t have to mention anything about her passing, could have just said three boys and one girl and that’s it. Moved the conversation on.’
Another person wrote: ‘Telling a mother that she needs to get over the death of her child is unacceptable.
‘And she categorically does have 4 children – that one of them has died does not negate that fact.’
Some commenters were astounded that the husband could be so blasé about his daughter’s passing, despite his own grief
‘I wouldn’t be talking to him either.’
A third said, ‘The next thing the colleagues were going to say was hardly going to be “And are they all alive?” Was it?! He just had to say, “Four and you?” And kept the conversation moving.’
Yet others questioned if the mother was preventing her husband from grieving in the way he was most comfortable and said she was being ‘unfair.’
One person explained: ‘I think you are being unfair, he probably didn’t want to bring up your daughter and possibly her death at a social work night out, I’m sure he didn’t do it because he doesn’t love and miss his own child. people deal with grief differently.’
Some commenters were in complete support of the husband’s grieving process and thought the mother had overreacted
Another commenter joined in with: ‘It’s unfair to think you can force him to feel/think/say the same as you. People are different and deal with things differently.’
‘There’s no right or wrong here, but not speaking to him because he’s different to you, is definitely wrong and quite manipulative too.’
A third person wrote: ‘I can well understand why someone who has lost a child may not necessarily want to have to explain what happened to everyone they meet, and so saying they have three sons rather than three sons and a passed daughter is just a way of avoiding that discussion and reliving painful memories.’
‘I can see why you might be upset but equally I think not talking to your husband for three days over this is not productive.
‘You need to sit down and work this out as a couple.’