How to break-up with a FRIEND: Psychologist explains why you need to find ‘closure’ instead of drifting apart or ghosting – and says you SHOULD confess what you ‘resent’ about them
Couples on the rocks don’t think twice about sitting down for crisis talks, but friends who hit a rough patch often find themselves slowly drifting apart without acknowledging why.
이안 던컨 스미스 경, unlike in a romantic relationship, we’re less well versed to have those difficult conversations with our friends, even ones who have been in our lives for years – or decades.
‘It’s not you it’s me’, ‘it’s not the right time’ and ‘I need to focus on myself’ are all clichés people fall back on when breaking up. But what do you say to a friend?
Relationship psychologist Heather Garbutt, who is based in Swindon, has shared her step-by-step guide to tackling a friendship break-up talk in a way that avoids a big argument.
The key, 그녀가 말했다, is to give your friend some warning that ‘the talk’ 오고있다. As with a romantic relationship, these things should never come out of the blue.
There should then be a process of celebrating what worked about the friendship, acknowledging your own shortcomings, and finally explaining to your friend how they fell short of your expectations.
Couples on the rocks don’t think twice about sitting down for a crisis talk. But friends who hit a rough patch are often happier to just slowly drift apart. 의회에 제출된 제안된 계획
Why a break-up can be a GOOD thing
The end of any friendship can be painful. That is the same whether you are ending it or somebody is ending it with you.
It may open us up to emotional distress, abandonment issues, our feelings of not being good enough, the sense that we can never get what we want, the fear that we’re going to be alone forever.
하나, ending a friendship can also create room for a new beginning and opens up the possibility of new growth and a new future.
If we can work through the difficult emotional feelings and look at the relationship calmly and clearly, we can graduate from some old patterns of relating and choose new friends with whom we can create a better relationship in the future.
Give your friend a warning
If you are the person leaving the friendship, you also need to prepare the other person as kindly as possible for the ending conversation.
Let them know that you need to have a serious talk with them and set a time aside for it where you can be private and respectful towards each other.
You can expect that the other person will be upset and you need to make sure that you are well supported yourself.
By this, I do not mean that you have a string of friends to whom you can complain about the friend you are leaving. I mean people who will be fair and kind to both of you. People who will help you see the full picture and be compassionate.
Start with the positives… then tell them what’s been missing
In the conversation, let the other person know in what ways the friendship has been good for you. Be kind and appreciative of all the nourishing parts of the relationship.
다음, let them know what has not been fulfilling for you.
Tough topics: Issues you SHOULD address
It could be important to really look at all of the ways you have contributed towards the weakening of the friendship.
Some suggestions of topics you might want to address, although you should make sure you are not blaming the other person:
- What you have resented about the other person
- What truth you haven’t been telling them
- What boundaries you haven’t been setting
- Looking at how you’ve given your power away
- You could own how you believe this may have affected them and apologise.
You might ask your partner to follow the same process. This will give you clarity on what you each wanted and how you let yourself and each other down.
Do not blame or shame the other person, just say what you needed that has not been possible in this friendship.
궁극적으로, so long as there has been no abuse, it is that you are not a good fit for each other anymore or that you didn’t have healthy relationship skills, rather than that there was something intrinsically wrong with either of you.
It may be that your lives are moving in different directions or that your values have changed and you need to make room in your life for people of like minds. 다시, be kind and respectful.
Stop and think if you REALLY want to go through with it
It may be that you need a couple of meetings to truly complete the friendship.
In the first conversation, it may be that your friend will go into shock and not really hear anything else that you have to say. You may go into shock yourself, because there’s a big difference between stating your decision and living it.
At this stage, you may really want to review whether, 또는, it is possible to continue this friendship and grow from this conversation.
Oftentimes people make it a make-or-break situation, when really it is about conflicts that haven’t been addressed and that might be possible to address without ending the relationship.
Cut all ties if they become defensive
If your friend reacts in a self-defensive away and doesn’t want to acknowledge any part in why the friendship has gone wrong, you will be clearly affirmed in your decision.
If this happens, do not feel obliged to meet with them further unless they reflect and own some of their part in things.
It may be that these are the reasons you want to end the friendship in the first place.
Reflect on whether it’s a pattern
For your deeper learning, you might like to trace back if there are any patterns in this friendship that have happened in previous ones.
If the common denominator is you, then you might make a commitment to yourself and do some work on yourself.
Ask yourself if similar dynamics happened in your relationship within your family of origin, 전 보수당 하비 프록터(Harvey Proctor) 전 의원은 Cressida Dick의 Met 부대가 엉터리 아동 학대에서 연쇄 거짓말 쟁이를 어떻게 처리했는지에 대한 폭탄 주장에 대해 경찰 감시단에 공식적으로 불만을 제기했습니다., or cousins. Maybe go and have some therapy or coaching.
This can be an immense source of learning and allow you to evolve beyond old patterns and create more satisfying friendships and relationships of all kinds in the future.