I’m not a whiny, woke wastrel… so I chuckled at TV boss’s savage attack
Dinsdag, November 23
One of the benefits of getting divorced from the ‘ITV family’ – which, for all the fake smiles, is even more dysfunctional than the Koninklike familie – is that I no longer have to attend the annual ‘Palooza’.
The absurdly named event exposes the network’s on-screen stars to abject ridicule in front of thousands of rowdy drunken advertisers.
In my absence, ITV’s director of television Kevin Lygo – who oversaw my sudden departure from Goeie more Brittanje na Meghan Markle wrote to chief executive Dame Carolyn McCall to demand my head on a plate for criticising her – gleefully stamped on my grave in his speech at the Festival Hall.
ITV’s director of television Kevin Lygo (hierbo) gleefully stamped on my (Piers Morgan) grave in his speech at the Festival Hall
Referring to me as evil Harry Potter villain Voldemort, Lygo quipped: ‘He’s not here, is he? Natuurlik, he’s not here – he f***ing walked off, didn’t he?’
Hy het aan gegaan: 'Geen, we miss Piers…’
As he said this, he theatrically shook his head in violent contradiction of this statement. ‘But he’s gone…’
Lygo then made a crude ‘w****r’ hand signal, to raucous laughter from an audience including Holly Willoughby, Bear Grylls and Brian May.
‘… and that’s that.’
My first thought on hearing about this was that I should write immediately to Dame Carolyn, say this derogatory attack was very damaging to my mental health and insist that Lygo is fired.
But my second thought, because I’m not a whiny weak woke wastrel, was to chuckle because it made me laugh.
Vrydag, November 26
The weirdest thing about my dreary long Covid is the complete lack of a sense of smell.
Vanaand, during a pre-Ashes dinner at the Chelsea Arts Club, former England cricket captain Mike Atherton revealed he’s had the condition – anosmia – since birth.
As he said, the problems this creates include an inability to know whether food is off, if wine is corked (not that I can taste it anyway), if clothes need cleaning, or if the gas has been left on.
But on a positive note, you don’t have to endure cigarette smoke, unfortunate body odours, dog mess or ghastly aftershaves.
‘I’m actually better off than you,’ Mike observed. ‘Because whereas you miss all sorts of delicious smells that you know and love, I’ve never experienced them, so have no clue what I’m missing.’
I never fully appreciated the simple unadulterated joy of a freshly brewed coffee until suddenly I couldn’t smell it and it tasted like charcoaled water.
Sondag, November 28
Gister, I took my ten-year-old daughter Elise to watch Arsenal beat Newcastle and she spent much of the game reading her book Dork Diaries, which I wrongly assumed was Gavin Williamson’s new memoir.
Vandag, I took her to the Royal Albert Hall to watch new tennis superstar Emma Raducanu play in the UK for the first time since her thrilling US Open triumph, and Elise was completely enthralled for two hours.
Emma, 19, is not just a fabulously talented athlete, she’s also a remarkably engaging, eloquent, confident and graceful young lady with a refreshing aversion to whining or self-pity and a ferocious will to win.
Ek (Piers Morgan) can’t think of a better role model than Emma Raducanu (hierbo), who is not just fabulously talented but remarkably engaging, confident and a ferocious will to win
(I loved the way she bounced back from her Wimbledon wobble to win a major tournament just three months later.)
Twice during this friendly exhibition match, her opponent Elena-Gabriela Ruse invited a young ball-boy and ball-girl to face serves on her behalf, and both times Emma promptly smashed savage aces past their flailing rackets.
If you want to know where this merciless streak comes from, she revealed in a post-match chat that her parents – Emma’s mum is Chinese and her dad Romanian – had separately berated her the day before for saying she was tired.
Not that she was complaining.
‘Pressure is a privilege,' sy het gese. ‘I thrive on the adrenaline. I don’t really think about other people’s opinions or expectations. The only ones I have are that of myself, to improve and get better.’
Elise came home buzzing with excitement about Emma Raducanu, and wanting to be like her. I can’t think of a better role model.
Maandag, November 29
The naming of the new Covid variant Omicron mystified many people, but not me and Boris Johnson. The World Health Organisation has followed the Greek alphabet for labelling variants of interest during the pandemic.
The last one, designated on August 30, was called Mu, so it was expected this new one would be called Nu, but WHO decided it sounded too like New, so would be confusing.
They also ruled out Xi, which comes next, lest it offend China’s president.
Vir dekades, my party trick has been to rattle off the Greek alphabet, which remains the only thing I can remember from years studying classics at prep school.
And Boris can do the same.
During an old GQ interview we did together, he name-dropped Achilles, so I challenged him to recite the Greek alphabet and he instantly rattled it all off – faultlessly.
Dinsdag, November 30
Vanaand, GB News host Colin Brazier accidentally told his viewers that ‘Piers Morgan’ had led a flash-mob of Covidiots on a Tube train, wailing: ‘Wearing a mask is like trying to keep a fart in your trousers!’
Natuurlik, it was Piers Corbyn.
This confusion is happening with alarming regularity and I don’t understand it.
One of us is a tuneless inflammatory attention-seeker, with a brother named Jeremy, and vociferously campaigned against the Iraq War.
And the other… oh, wait.
Sondag, Desember 5
My last show for ITV, an emotion-charged Life Stories with Kate Garraway, airs tonight at 8pm.
One of the contributors is Tony Blair, who also offered his on-camera thoughts about my interrogatory skills.
‘The thing that really made Piers very good at doing the show, and makes him an extraordinary figure in any event,' hy het gesê, ‘is that he’s prepared to say things other people may think but don’t have the courage to say.’
I’ve often asked Life Stories guests what they’d like as their epitaph.
I’d take that as mine.