Banish your bedroom blushes! Tracey Cox reveals the tricks that will help YOU perform daring sex acts without making a fool of yourself – from blusher on the nipples to booking a hotel room for role play
It’s a fact that we’re all far more adventurous in our heads than in our beds.
Why not take it though to real life? Because we don’t want to look ridiculous in front of our partner.
真剣に, most of us would rather put up with boring, routine sex than risk losing face!
Now that’s silly! Unleash a more confident you for 2022.
Here’s how to conquer your fear and enjoy the three sex acts lots of people find the most challenging.
Sex expert Tracey Cox reveals how you can spice things up in the bedroom without feeling awkward, stock picture
HOW TO ROLEPLAY WITHOUT EMBARRASSMENT
‘I’d rather wash my eyeballs in bleach,’ is the type of reaction I get when I suggest couples roleplay their fantasies. ‘I’d wet myself laughing and totally ruin the mood,’ is another standard answer.
My reply is always, ‘So what if you do? Sex is supposed to be fun and laughing is all part of it!’
Roleplay is also a fantastic way to get long-term couples out of the desire dampening familiarity where they feel like friends rather than lovers.
It transforms John who takes the bins out into John the handsome physio who wants to do more than fix that dodgy back.
Role-playing fantasies is a great way to get the kick of something ‘out there’ without any of the malevolent misfires sometimes experienced by taking them through to real life.
Here’s how to do it embarrassment free.
Tracey gives her tips on how to role play, strip and even dirty talk with your partner, and how to make sure your nerves don’t get the best of you
Choose a fantasy that appeals to both of you.
It doesn’t have to be complicated. You might be a nurse that delivers more than aspirin while he’s recovering in hospital. Or a university student hell bent on seducing her professor. Quite obviously, this is not the time to be ‘woke’. The whole point of most fantasies is that they are things we wouldn’t dream of doing in real life. So park the guilt and don’t be judgemental of what your partner suggests, either.
You don’t need expensive props. It’s the dressing up part that most people find cringey. Skip the ready to wear ‘costumes’: acting out a fantasy doesn’t have to be a literal translation. Symbolism is often all that’s needed. Got a threesome fantasy? Take a vibrator to bed with you. Fancy being ravaged by a hot workman? Get your partner to strip down to a pair of jeans and no shirt (add a tool belt, if he has one).
Work out the scenario together first. How’s it going to work? Some couples take it very seriously and meet, in character, outside the house. Others decide on the scenario (doctor/patient, shoplifter/security guard, speeding driver/cop who’s open to being talked out of a ticket, boss/employee, sleeping beauty/hot intruder), decide on a few moves then let their imagination take over.
Get aroused first. The more turned on you are, the more likely you are to enter into the spirit of things. Roleplay is a bit like porn: the minute you’ve both had an orgasm, you’ll want to stop immediately.
If you laugh make it part of the scenario. ‘You think this is funny, あなたは?’, says the cop who’s just ‘arrested’ you. ‘How about this!’, as he pulls out some handcuffs and attaches you to the bed.
Have a ‘stop now’ signal. Give it a chance but if you honestly can’t take it seriously and know it’s not going to work for you, speak up. Also say something if it’s starting to feel creepy or making you feel anxious or threatened. A good ‘stop word’ is something that isn’t ever going to be used as part of the role-play. ‘Purple’ is better than ‘more’ for obvious reasons.
Do it in a hotel room. Not just because you won’t be interrupted by dogs wanting walkies, kids wanting biscuits or flatmates looking for their charger. Role-playing in familiar surroundings can feel fake. Far easier to reinvent yourselves in a hotel room, particularly knowing lots of strangers have had sex there before you.
HOW TO STRIP WITHOUT FEELING SILLY
It’s the thing most men would most love their partner to do for them. Why don’t we? Fear of looking like an idiot, もちろん! This is one thing I would highly recommend you push through the embarrassment barrier to try. Not only will your partner love it, it’s a fantastically empowering exercise.
The song is the most important thing. Pretend you’ve just come back, tipsy and happy from a night out with your girlfriends, put on your favourite song and are dancing around your bedroom. What song is it? There’s a saying that every girl has one song that turns her into a stripper. That’s probably yours.
Get the lighting right. A supermodel would struggle to confidently disrobe under harsh, overhead lighting. Flatter by lighting from below. Tealights on plates work well; add a side lamp on a table. If you can organise a dramatic silhouette on a wall, even better.
Go all out to look your best. Slather on stuff. Fake tan or body foundation, lip gloss, blusher (around your nipples to make them look defined), a slight slick of baby oil on your body for sheen. Get a blow-dry and allow time to get your makeup right.
Pretend you’re playing a part in a movie and go all out to get in character. The more you dress up, the less you’ll feel like ‘you’. You might be too shy to strip but the sexy siren you’ve turned yourself into, sure as hell isn’t!
Give yourself space. Move clutter out of the way so you’re not at risk of tripping over something. Work out where you want your partner to sit to watch you. Have drinks on ice and at the ready.
Keep your outfit simple. You only need one layer on top of underwear. A fitted shirt works well because you can undo the buttons one by one and it’s easy to remove; a skirt that slides easily over your hips is obviously preferable to tight jeans. Even better, a silky slip dress that slips easily off the shoulders to fall to the floor. Wear slip-on heels you can walk in and balance on. Sexy underwear is de rigueur; stockings and suspenders are the ultimate treat but stay-up stockings work just as well and are less fiddly.
Scarves are great as props. Put it around their neck to draw them close, use it to tie their hands together or put it over your shoulders and slide from side to side, between your hands, arching your back at the same time. If you’re feeling self-conscious, you can use it as a blindfold.
There’s an art to undressing. Pull your top upwards to show your breasts at an advantageous angle; turn around, point your bottom towards your partner and arch your back, before you remove your skirt. Every time you remove something, hold it against you, covering the bit they most want to see. Then turn around and fling it to one side, continuing to cover with your hands. Then reveal. Keep one leg in front of the other, heel lifted, to turn awkward poses into elegant. (Especially true when removing knickers.)
WHEN SEX GAMES GO HORRIBLY WRONG….
‘My partner was desperate for me to dress up in PVC, so I bought a rubber mini skirt online. I tried it on and it looked great! The next time we had sex, I came out dressed in the skirt, a great bra and heels.
I’ve never seen him look happier. But as I walked towards him, I could feel the skirt rolling up my thighs. Within a second, it had turned into a rubber band around my waist.
I tried to pull it down but as fast as I did, it kept pinging back up. I have never seen anything so unflattering in my life. It was a laugh but that was it with me and PVC!’
‘I love talking dirty but learnt my lesson very early on that lots of men don’t. I was in my twenties and whispered into my boyfriend’s ear, “I want you to call me a dirty s**t,” thinking it would turn him on.
He was quite up for things otherwise. He sat up on the bed and looked shocked. “What? なぜ?” I tried to explain that it was a bit of fun and the whole point was to push the limits but he wasn’t convinced. He ended it soon after and told me I was “weird”.’
‘I handcuffed my girlfriend to the bed and we had a great time – until we realized the key that was supposed to unlock the cuffs didn’t work.
She freaked out, I spent ages online with the company who sold it trying to get it to work. 最終的には, we realized it was a choice of either calling the police or my brother who was pretty handy around the house and had lots of tools.
I can’t tell you how embarrassing it was but he got her out of them. We haven’t heard the end of it since of course.’
Have a plan. Don’t attempt to wing it – it won’t go well. A simple three to five minute routine is all you need. A bit of walking around, then slow, teasing removal of your clothes. Practise first in front of a mirror. If you lose your nerve after one or two minutes, don’t worry. Just walk sexily over to them, sit on their lap and start kissing.
If you forget what to do, just strut around a bit. Mentally visualise a figure of eight and make your hips follow. Place one foot directly in front of the other when you walk, and you’ll see how easy it is. Chest out. Head up. Think proud and sassy.
Keep your distance. You’ll feel less self-conscious and it’s sexier. Creating physical distance is what builds the anticipation – they can look but can’t touch.
You don’t have to make eye contact. It can be super sexy to maintain eye contact throughout. But it’s also sexy to completely ignore them and dance just for yourself.
Look for the positive. Your partner looks shell-shocked? They probably are – but with excitement! They’re not judging you, they just can’t believe their luck.
HOW TO SAY RUDE THINGS WITHOUT LAUGHING
Talking dirty is easy in the beginning: you’re so desperate to have sex with each other, whispering ‘I’m desperate for you to put your tongue where I like it’ feels as natural as saying, ‘You look nice’.
It’s later, when you’re mates, that it just starts to feel wrong somehow. Incestuous.
You’re not alone – it’s normal to feel more embarrassed talking dirty as time goes on, rather than the reverse. だが, like most things in sex, all you need to fix it is to start doing it again.
You secretly think talking dirty is wrong. Parents who taught us sex was ‘bad’, religious beliefs, a past lover who branded you ‘unladylike’ (read slutty) for trying it in the past – all make us nervous about speaking up.
Beat it by telling your partner why it’s hard for you and that you need to take baby steps. Give yourself permission – parents don’t know everything, you can be spiritual and still have great sex. Say naughty things out loud to yourself first: practice in front of a mirror.
You’re scared you’ll laugh: 再び, you probably will! Talking dirty is funny. That’s why you have to do it when you’re both turned on, or in the mood to be, because the second you’ve climaxed, whatever you or your partner just said will sound really, really perverted.
Even if it’s in the heat of the moment, you’ll still get the giggles now and then. If that happens, just keep going.
Lust will soon kick in again.
You don’t know what to say. The main thing is to find what feels right for you. Some people love screaming obscenities at the top of their voice and don’t give a damn if the neighbours change queues at the check-out when they see them at the supermarket. Others just don’t like slang and swear words.
It’s OK not to! Whispering ‘I want you. Now’ can be just as erotic as using explicit language (いくつかに, more so!). So don’t try to be something you’re not. On the other hand, if your partner shoots through the roof (perhaps literally) if you use ‘dirty’ words, why not indulge them? They’re just words, 結局. Come up with some compromises.
Keep it simple. If you’re shy, whisper in their ear so there’s no eye contact. Or try blindfolding them or letting them blindfold you. Start by describing what they’re doing to you ‘You’ve got your hands on my breasts.’ Add how that makes you feel, ‘…And it feels wonderful.’ Then describe what you’re doing or about to do. ‘I’m going to take your penis in my mouth…And it makes me feel powerful.’ Compliment body parts. Ask ‘Do you like that?’ or ‘What does that feel like?’. Let them know where you’re at arousal wise. '神, I’m so close to climaxing.’
If you seriously can’t manage any of the above, read out something sexy from a book while your partner makes love to you.
Want to try something more adventurous? Check out Tracey’s product ranges Supersex and Edge. You’ll find them at lovehoney and traceycox.com.