The New Year’s sex resolutions EVERY couple needs: Tracey Cox reveals 8 easy tricks to reignite passion – from doing it everywhere but the bedroom to aiming for three orgasms in a row
Come Friday, our social media feeds will be a constant stream of people pledging to do everything better next year.
You’ll see New Year resolutions on how to improve health: to eat green, exercise more, do yoga every morning.
There’ll be pledges to achieve career goals, live more sustainably, turn that spare room into a great study, plant more trees. There’ll be posts on being more #grateful for our partners and children, family and friends.
What you won’t see, however, are couples talking about new ways to invigorate their sex lives.
I’d love to pretend this is because the average couple doesn’t want to put that out there in the public arena. But I know from experience that it’s not happening too much in private, either.
Why do we put effort into every area of our lives, realising things need refreshing to keep them vital and alive, except for sex?
The start of a New Year is a great time to take stock of your sex life and take steps to improve it, according to Tracey Cox. One tip is to take things out of the bedroom (stock image)
Because lots still buy into the gigantically harmful myth that says, when it comes to desire and passion, in a good relationship, these things just happen.
No effort required.
Well, I’m here to tell you that’s complete and utter rubbish!
Our sex lives are often the first thing in our lives to go stale, because most couples have sex in exactly the same way, every single time.
Don’t let this happen to you in 2022! Here’s eight simple ways to give your love life the shake-up it invariably needs.
1. Take sex out of the bedroom
Yes, it’s cold. Yes, it’s more comfortable.
But it’s the kiss of death for your sex life if the only time you have sex, it’s in your bed.
Tracey Cox explains why you should spend time improving your sex life in 2022
Be creative! Have sex in the spare room, on the sofa while you’re watching something spicy on Netflix. Do it in the shower or have a bath together as foreplay.
The stairs are a great place to make unusual positions work better (they help to even up height differences); hop on the kitchen bench and let your partner give you oral sex there.
‘Location, location, location!’ doesn’t just apply to real estate!
2. Change one thing, every time you do it
While you’re changing the location, change one other thing as well.
It really doesn’t matter what it is: the brain doesn’t require much to turn a commonplace activity into something wildly exciting!
If you usually do it in the morning, do it at night – or vice versa. If you always take all your clothes off, leave some on. Add some heels or take them off. Put some music on. Use a blindfold. Talk while you’re doing it or keep quiet.
It doesn’t really matter if you simply switch between a few favourite routines you both enjoy. The main aim is to stop falling into the classic couple trap of doing the same thing every single time you have sex.
You’re not actually having it at all? The new year is the perfect time to have the conversations you’ve been avoiding for months, says Tracey Cox. Stock image
3. Feel great about your body
A landmark 2012 review of 57 studies, spanning two decades of research, found significant links between body image and just about every factor associated with sex: arousal, desire, orgasm, frequency of sex and sexual self-esteem.
It’s not rocket science: if you’re ashamed of your body and think it’s ugly, why would you want anyone looking at it or touching it?
6. Give your sex techniques a makeover
We’re all guilty of dragging out the same techniques whenever we perform oral sex or manually stimulate our partner.
Be more creative in 2022!
Always use a hand as well as your mouth. If you’re giving him oral sex, make sure you have access to his testicles, anus and perineum as well as his penis:
Drop to your knees and play the submissive rather than just do it sideways on the bed. Or you sit on the side of the bed while he stands in front of you.
He can put your legs over his shoulders (or you can pull them up to your chest while lying on your back). Try you on all fours while he slides underneath, faces the opposite direction and uses pillows to bring him up to the right height. A great power position: you stand with your legs apart, leaning back against a wall.
If you’re using your hands on him, stand behind him and reach around. (Especially sexy if you do it in front of a mirror so he can watch.) Make two rings around his penis with the thumb and index finger of each hand, place them next to each other in the middle of the shaft, then continually slide in opposite directions simultaneously.
If they’re using their fingers on you, add lube. It’s the single, most effective way to make every stroke feel better. Get them to use the flat of their finger and the whole pad of the fingertip to rub or slide, rather than just the tip. It feels softer and covers a much larger area.
Sit in front of them. Spread you legs, and get them to sit behind you, your legs on either side of theirs. They can then use both hands on your clitoris and vulva or one on your breasts.
Study after study turns up the same result, year in, year out: feeling sexually attractive means you’re far more likely to enjoy sex, have more orgasms, initiate sex more and be more comfortable discussing sex with your partner.
How to feel better about your body?
Have more sex: our subconscious gets the message that, if our partner wants to make love to us, we can’t be that bad!
Exercise – not to achieve the perfect body but to feel fitter and more energetic.
Don’t buy into society’s expectations that your body needs to look a certain way to be ‘sexy’: it’s simply not true. Sexy is an attitude, not a look. The most desirable people in the world are self-confident and happy in their skin, not physically perfect.
4. Have sex more often – or for longer
Not only will it make you feel better about your body, having sex regularly has so many other health and emotional benefits.
It’s good for your heart, your skin and your circulatory system. It keeps you feeling bonded as a couple, perks up your mood and helps combat depression – and that’s before you even get to the ‘It’s fun!’ part.
Set yourself a challenge that will push you out of your usual limits but also be achievable. This usually means setting goals for a fortnight or month rather than weekly.
If you usually have sex twice a week, aim to have sex five times in the next month. If you’re having it once a month, step that up to three times in the next two months.
If you’re happy with the frequency but tend to rush through sex sessions, add an extra 10-15 minutes onto every alternative session.
5. Sort out any sex issues
You’re not actually having it at all?
The new year is the perfect time to have the conversations you’ve been avoiding for months.
They don’t need to be ominous ‘We need to talk about our sex life’ chats. Nothing is guaranteed to stop someone listening to what you have to say than wording it like there’s a serious problem.
Most people panic, stop listening and fixate on ‘We’re about to break up’ or ‘I’m rubbish in bed’ thoughts.
Instead, have bite-size, casual conversations.
If you aren’t sure if your partner is enjoying what you’re doing to them, the next time you have sex, say, ‘Do you like it when I do this/do it here? Do you want me to do it harder/do it softer?’. Or ‘Which way do you like it best? Like this or like that?’.
If you want more of something, say ‘I love it when you do that. Can you do it for longer?’. If you want something done differently, say, ‘I love it when you do that. Do you know what else I love? When you do X. That really feels nice’.8
8. Running short on inspiration for spicing up your sex life? Choose a few from this list…
- Tie each other up
- Act out some fantasies
- Try anal play and temperature play (contrasting hot with cold sensations)
- Buy some new sex toys. Have sex in complete darkness or blindfold each other
- Be each other’s sex slave for a day. Make a sex video or take sexy photos of each other
- Have sex in semi-public
- Watch porn together
- Have a rude food session or try for a G-spot orgasm
- Choose a new, challenging position for intercourse that forces you to concentrate and stay in the moment: balance or die!
If you want to try something new, say, ‘I had a dream last night that we were doing X. (Watch to see what their response is. If they’re interested, they’ll want details and look intrigued.)
Encourage them to tell you what’s still working for them and what’s not: the best thing you can do for your sex life is to let your partner know you’re open to constructive feedback and won’t be offended.
7. Have more orgasms
It’s not all about that 30-second-to-a-minute rush of euphoria – but by God, it’s rather a nice feeling when it happens!
There are ways to make orgasms more intense and more frequent.
If you can’t quite get there, be super-alert for your personal orgasm triggers. The more signposts of impending orgasm your brain can recognise, the easier it will trigger the orgasmic response. Focus on what you naturally do on approach to orgasm (breathe faster, tense your bottom and thigh muscles, moan), then exaggerate it.
If you want more than one orgasm in a session, change the style of stimulation. If your first was through oral sex, have your next with your partner using their fingers or through penetration. Use your vibrator for the third.
Aim for sequential orgasm, not simultaneous.
You’ll have stronger orgasms if you’re focused on your own pleasure rather than trying to work out where your partner is on the arousal scale. Coming together is awfully polite but the pay-off can be fizzlers and failure.
‘Simmer’ by anticipating what’s in store, way before you touch each other. Rub your bodies together during intercourse and maintain full body contact.
Pump those pelvic floor muscles and add erotic edge by pulling their hair or spanking their bottom.
Want more information about sex and relationships? Head to traceycox.com for Tracey’s blog, products, podcast details and books.